Have you ever wondered how to comfort a friend who is dying? I’m going to talk about my friend Cinda today whom I met about fifteen years ago. I first met her at a neighborhood luncheon and she was sitting alone at a table. I sat down next to her and we started talking about our family, food storage, emergency preparedness and so much more. This is the day our friendship began based on our common interests.
We started talking more and more each week, month, or whenever we could. Cinda and I were passionate about food storage and about being prepared for the unexpected. We would email each other with ideas and thoughts about current events, and even teach a class or two together about emergency preparedness. Navigating Life-Changing Emergencies: A Guide to Facing an Emergency
How To Comfort A Friend Who Is Dying
We would share ideas on how we could get the neighborhood involved in being prepared for a disaster or unforeseen emergency. One day, Cinda called me to come help her pack up her home because she and her husband had sold it. She also had another friend from a different neighborhood come and help pack. She had mentioned she had some pain in her abdomen and had gone to the doctor to get checked out.
The doctor couldn’t find anything wrong, so she used herbal therapy, essential oils, and some massage therapy by a friend in hopes that would help. The pain got worse, and she eventually went back to the original doctor, who realized she had missed a severe end-of-life illness, she now faced a diagnosis of stage 4 cancer. She told the doctor not to worry because we all make mistakes. It was a challenging cancer to detect.
Getting Treatments
She and her husband headed to Salt Lake City, Utah, to a treatment center that specializes in cancer care to see if any treatment would work. She was told she had 18 months to live without any treatments and two years with treatments. They headed home, and her husband had to return to work to pay the bills. Cinda could no longer work. Her husband worked nights at the local hospital as a nurse, and they asked for volunteers to sleep overnight at her home so she wouldn’t be alone. Are You Prepared for a Medical Emergency?
I think I slept there three or four nights a week for a number of weeks as she received end-of-life care. You would think it would be difficult going there knowing your sick friend would die sometime in the next two years or less. It was fun to be together because we are both Christians and shared some common religious beliefs. We had some terrific stories about us both attending bible school when we were younger. We would look at photos and books and talk about how she lived, how she met her husband, and the day her son was born. We talked about her life accomplishments and how her own life had been such a joy. I listened and loved every story she talked about.
What You Can Do Together
Well, she and I started looking online for other cancer clinics. Each night, we would go over the medical charts and the advantages of this clinic over another clinic. Every cancer clinic/hospital was on a spreadsheet, and we would talk about the pros and cons of each one. I think my physical presence made her feel loved and appreciated. I didn’t see big swings in emotions, and never felt she went through anxiety or depression even though she was going through the slow dying process.
She decided she would call one of the facilities the following day. She seemed to feel comfortable with her choice and made an appointment to see if they thought she had a chance at extending her life. She and her husband headed there and loved the place and the people. She started treatments for her terminal illness shortly after that. The sleepovers continued after she began the treatments at the new hospital when she would return home in between treatments. 13 Family Games You Need After A Disaster or Emergency.
Why Are Friends Important?
Friends rallied around her, and I don’t know about the others, but I drove over to her rental home in my pajamas with my pillow and blanket when it was my sleepover night. We would talk, giggle, and laugh until 11:00 P.M. I would leave before she woke up because her husband came home from work around 5:00 A.M. I will cherish forever those nights with her. Some people would call us loving caregivers, but I was just trying to be a true friend. It was a way to offer subtle practical help and add to her list of resources.
The treatments continued, and she lost her hair. I said when she was gone, I wanted her wig because it was a classic! We giggled! I know we all have family members, close friends, and acquaintances who have won their battle against cancer and some who have lost that battle. Some have died from other diseases or accidents.
She called me in December 2013 and said she had lost the battle but wanted me to hear it before I heard from someone else. We said our goodbyes, and she asked that I remember her as she lived and not how she died. We cried together, and I told her to watch from heaven because I would continue to teach the world to be prepared for the unexpected. She gave me a blue and green hummingbird to hang and to remember her by looking at the hummingbird. She made it through Christmas and died in February 2014.
How to Comfort a Dying Friend
- Laugh with them.
- Talk with them about the good times you both have had together.
- Ask them to share stories about their life.
- Giggle with them (it’s different than laughing with them, trust me).
- Bring them their favorite candy or treat.
- Bring them meals to help the family in practical ways.
- Clean their house (especially the bathrooms).
- Change their sheets.
- Clean the kitchen.
- Bring them fresh fruit and vegetables.
- Asking them how they feel about dying was the most special question I asked Cinda, my sick friend.
- If interested, help them write their life histories or at least write down stories they cherished about their good life.
- Listen, listen, and listen again to whatever they want to talk about, particularly when talking about their kids.
- Hug them and tell them you love them.
- Be sure to visit your friend, even if you don’t know what to say.
- Talk about the illness, and you can see cues from your friend if they want to discuss it.
- Ask them what’s on their mind today in a meaningful way.
- Treat your friend as you always have; they are the same person.
- Sometimes, people don’t want to be a burden, so they don’t ask for help (trust me, you’ll gain more for serving those who need help).
- You may want to do something for their partner or spouse, it is a hard time for them as well. I brought her husband a six-pack of Coke Cola and M&M peanuts! He loved it!!
- Offer to have prayer with them if you share common spirituality. Be willing to read from religious texts to help support their spiritual needs.
- Perform meditation exercises if that helps promote relaxation.
What is my main advice in life?
I have two regrets in my life, the first one happened when I was 20, and my neighbor’s 2-week-old baby died from Meningitis. Sad, but I didn’t know what to say, so I said nothing. I’m sure she could have used a hug and someone to talk to. My other regret was when I gave birth to a healthy baby girl, and my lifelong friend, who I lived next door to growing up, gave birth to a stillborn baby within weeks of my giving birth. It would have been easy to send a note or call her. I didn’t know how to approach the situation. I regret this 50+ years later.
How can I support my friend emotionally?
- Offer a listening ear without judgment.
- Validate their feelings and fears.
- Share memories and stories to celebrate their life.
- Reassure them of your love and presence.
What can I say to my friend to offer comfort?
- “I am here for you.”
- “You are not alone; I will walk this journey with you.”
- “Our friendship has meant so much to me.”
- “Know that you are loved and cherished.”
Should I talk about death and dying or avoid the topic?
Follow your friend’s lead. Some may want to discuss their feelings and fears about death, while others may prefer to focus on positive memories and experiences rather than grieving and sadness. Be honest and open in your conversations if they bring up the topic.
How can I provide practical support?
Offer to help by running errands like buying groceries, be willing to do household chores like laundry, or provide transportation to medical appointments. Coordinate a support network of friends and family to assist with caregiving duties. Offers of help in their final days of life will mean a lot to their family too, even if they are under hospice care.
What if I don’t know what to say or do?
Simply being present can provide comfort and be one of their greatest gifts. Your friend will appreciate your company, even if you don’t have the right words. It’s okay to acknowledge your discomfort or uncertainty. Your friend will likely understand and appreciate your honesty.
How can I take care of myself while supporting my friend?
Seek support from other friends, family members, or a therapist. Set boundaries to avoid burnout. Practice self-care activities that help you recharge emotionally and physically. Don’t be hard on yourself. Understand that self-forgiveness is important since there is only so much you can do for someone with a serious illness.
What can I do to help my friend’s family during this time?
Offer practical assistance such as preparing meals, running errands, or providing childcare. Listen to their needs and be available for emotional support. Please respect their privacy and boundaries.
More Tips
- The Survival Medicine Handbook by Joseph Alton, M.D.
- Bugging In by Raymond Dean White
- Lights Out by Ted Koppel
- WaterBricks
- Kelly Kettle
- Older People Tips
Final Word
I only wish my friend Cinda had been able to read my book, Prepare Your Family for Survival: How to Be Ready for Any Emergency or Disaster Situation
Copyright Images: Hummingbird Ruby Throated Feeding Depositphotos_5565668_S By Okiepony
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